Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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