woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
