I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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