Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Randomize
