so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
