i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
