I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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