Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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