Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Randomize
