i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
