ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Drunk is not a location!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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