i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
