i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
