mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
