I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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