So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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