I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Randomize
