new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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