Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
