Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
