i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
