Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
