Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
