Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
