I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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