So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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