My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
