Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
