So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
operation harelip BJ is a go
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
