Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
