Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I will be naked everywhere
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
