Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
