What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
