you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
