My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
