Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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