I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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