I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
