he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
that is very illegal...i love you.
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