i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I got inside last night via doggy door
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
