my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
