the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
