is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
