i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
