Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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