If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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