Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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