a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
