Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
