I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
