so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
