Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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