This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
